


The Fuck Bucket

by shakespeareonmain



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Gen, everyone hates Fionn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 16:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15247152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shakespeareonmain/pseuds/shakespeareonmain
Summary: Seeing as too much infighting has gone on in Chaldea, Romani, Da Vinci, and Sherlock Holmes create something meant to stop it. However, what they created may do more good than bad...





	The Fuck Bucket

“I’d like to interrupt your day with an important message from Romani,” Da Vinci said as their voice played over the speakers of Chaldea. “We have been working together alongside Sherlock Holmes to implement new procedures around Chaldea, so we lessen the amount of piss, er, fist-fights.”

“It’s never gonna work,” Scathath called out, unaware that Da Vinci couldn’t hear her. “I try to break up fights between the four cu’s, and it never works. Whatever new procedure you have isn’t gonna get anywhere.”

“Secondly, I agree. That little blue smurf has been stealing my alcohol,” Shakespeare cut in, much to Andersen’s chagrin.

“I have not been stealing your alcohol,” Andersen retorted back. “Maybe you got so crunk that you thought that someone was REGULATING YOUR AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION BECAUSE YOU CAN’T HOLD YOUR DRINK—”

“I third that statement. Someone,” Mordred coughed and looked over in Mephistopheles’s direction. “Has been deliberately trying to blow this place to bits since day one. So please, put that utter clown in the loony bin.”

“I agree,” Avicebron murmured, and all heads shot towards him. Avicebron didn’t speak often in Chaldea, as with his bleak view of humanity, he was a contrast to the many heroic spirits who held such high views of humankind. “Humanity is, to be frank, a disappointment, and no matter how much you lessen the amount of fighting in this… Chaldea… arguments will still break out. They are inevitable. They cannot be avoided. We are all barreling down a course into—”

“Shut up, Avicebron, that’s my speech,” Edmond Dantes interrupted the conversation, as arguments began to break out amongst the servants. “If humanity locked me up in a cavern without a second thought to my testimony, think about what those people- no, those _animals_ would do to all of us!”

From her corner of Chaldea, Jeanne d’Arc looked upon the chaos. “Why do they contain such bleak views of the human race? Is it because of their own personal grudges?” She asked to nobody and everybody at the same time.

“Yeah, I agree,” said Astolfo, with an uncharacteristic pout on his face. “Everybody just needs to cheer up a bit.”

Jeanne Alter didn’t listen to the two of them- she had an evil grin on her face and was rubbing her gloved hands. “Oh, this is gonna be great!” She exclaimed and chortled to herself. “Look at all of them- burning up with anger, vengeance, a thirst for revenge that can only be satiated with blood—”

Da Vinci coughed into the microphone, and everyone snapped out of what could’ve been an impromptu Battle Royale.

“Now, as I was SAYING, Romani, Sherlock, and I have been working on a new procedure in order to lessen the amount of infighting going on in our humble Chaldea.” They seemed annoyed, even over the loudspeakers. Could somebody sound annoyed? Probably, and if they did, that person was Da Vinci. “Sherlock, go ahead and tell them.”

There were two taps on the microphone, and everybody (but Mephistopheles- he was absolutely nuts, probably) covered their ears, because damn, those two taps were loud.

“As I roam the halls of Chaldea, I have noticed that—”

“Shut it, old man!” Moriarty yelled from the impromptu audience. 

“Excuse me, Archer? Keep your words to themselves. And you and I both know that you call me old man purely because you can’t pull off the gelled-hair look as easily as I can.” From inside the microphone booth, Sherlock smirked, if only slightly.

“SCREW YOU!”

“You sure about that?” The entirety of Chaldea burst into laughter at that statement as Moriarty turned red in the face, trying to quell the giggles, especially from the child servants… who told them about the euphemism “screw” was for? “But now, it’s time to get back on topic. I have noticed a remarkably high amount of infighting, from light slaps or punches against the shoulder to full-on Brazilian Jujitsu in the hallways. And believe me, when people like Romani are trying to save humanity, we don’t need to hear… give me a second…”

Sherlock played a sound bite over the speakers- “I’M GONNA FUCKING MURDER YOU, YOU TINY BLUE MONGREL!”— and grimaced. Telling the servants this was not gonna be easy. Everyone’s heads once again shot over, but to Gilgamesh, who simply grinned and gave a death glare to Cu Chulainn (all of them).

“What can I say?” He seemed to taunt the four Cu’s. “It’s true.”

“It’s _TRUE_? I CAN BEAT YOUR ASS IN A FIGHT!” Cu Alter seemed to stand a bit taller.

“Are you gonna try me with your little spikey-wikey taily-waley? Aww, look at him! Just like a little puppy! Wanna go play fetch?” And with that, Gilgamesh had almost, _almost_ released the full ferocity of the Gate of Babylon, but he was stopped by none other than a rational-sounding (he was actually pretty frickin’ angry, actually, on the inside) Sherlock.

“Point taken,” the ruler-class servant said authoritatively. “So in order to stop infighting like that, which has occurred not just between the example shown in real life just now, but also against Mordred and Arthur, Karna and Arjuna, Scathath and All of the Cu’s, whoever taught Nursery Rhyme the f-bomb and whoever forbid Nursery Rhyme from using the f-bomb, and Merlin and, to be frank, everyone…” Da Vinci coughed, scarcely hiding a laugh. “We have created a procedure that will be sure to help Chaldea. I mean, I’m the smartest person alive! I know the answer to every problem, and this contraption, wait, no,” Sherlock paused. “Wrong word usage. And this problem solving device—”

“Problem solving device sounds like something out of a kids’ show,” Andersen said from below.

“It was the best choice of words, especially when there are children in the room,” Sherlock replied. “But now it seems as though I must pass the mic over to Romani, who will tell you about Chaldea’s most recent development on keeping most, I mean, all, of the heroic spirits in line.”

Romani sat down inside the booth and moved his swiveling chair over to the microphone. He fingered with his strawberry blonde ponytail as he took in a breath- the servants would not react well to this development, but it was absolutely necessary. 

“I’d like to tell you about the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness,” Romani finished off the very long name with a self-satisfied smile. The servants were gonna love that! 

“So it’s abbreviation is ‘Fuck Bucket’,” Nursery Rhyme said. Very loudly. “Are you going to fucking do something about it?”

“Please stop swearing.” Jeanne reached over toward Nursery Rhyme, who in turn said, “I can swear if I fucking want to.” Jeanne put her head in her hands. Who on earth would teach someone as childlike, as innocent, as pure-hearted as Nursery Rhyme to drop f-bombs?

“It is not a ‘F-bucket’. It is a machine designed by Sherlock and Da Vinci- it is cylindrical, with more wideness at the top than at the bottom, and it has wheels- it moves around on four of these. Additionally, it is connected to all personnel at Chaldea, which means we can check up on you whichever we want with not only the security cameras, but the arms coming out of it. See? You guys are going to love it!” Romani laughed. Nobody laughed along with him. “In fact, you are going to adore how it breaks up fights.”

Da Vinci pressed a button and the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness was released into the chaos. It resembled a sentient trash can with arms. In an instant, it rolled over to Nursery Rhyme, startling the small girl, who apparently had a much dirtier mind than she let on. Instantly, the microphone in the booth synced up with the speaker attached to the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness.

“Nursery Rhyme, I beg you not to get overly scared, but I must ask you one question. Who taught you swear words?” Romani tried to be calm, but he was so fucking _done_ with this whole entire situation.

“Fionn Mac Cumhaill,” Nursery Rhyme replied bluntly.

And with that, everyone, including the Fuck Bucket, went to go eviscerate Fionn, who was fighting off way too many servants to count. He had never used his lance like he was using it now- he was fighting off Scathath, all four Cus, Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (oh boy was it a lot of work to avoid both Gae Dearg and Gae Buidhe, he did not want to get murdered), and many others who he lost count of. Someone was screaming “Begone, Thot” at him, and it was probably Billy the Kid, knowing the outlaw’s interest in modern-day memes.

“Uh? Romani? Da Vinci? A little help here?” Fionn yelled.

No help came from above. Just more screaming. As he fended off Ozymandias and his sphinxes from above, he was unaware of Spartacus pushing him into the rampant crowd of battling servants, and just as he fell to the ground, he got clobbered on the head by Artemis’s ghostly white bow, and as he stood up, he received a whip to the head from Medb- nothing he couldn’t handle, that was, until the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness gripped his torso and lifted him above the crowd.

From inside the microphone booth, Sherlock had gently moved Romani over and tilted the microphone towards his mouth.

“In the words of one of Billy the Kid’s memes,” he cleared his throat. “‘This bitch empty, YEET!’”

It was truly a sight to behold that day- the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness had made both arms stand out to their maximum length, and then the Fighting Ultimatum Contraption: Kairos, Best Unit Canniness Keeper Extra Toughness had hurtled Fionn Mac Cumhaill toward the ceiling of the main hall of Chaldea.

“See? They love it.” Sherlock spun around in the spinning chair, taking some effort to stop it as he had gone way more than half a revolution in order to face Da Vinci and Romani, oblivious to their dropped jaws and looks of shock. “My job here is done.” With a sense of finality, he got up from the chair and walked out, not looking back.

**Author's Note:**

> I had no wifi when I was waiting for my sister to finish up her piano lesson, so I crapped out this fic purely because I got a big kick out of the words "fuck bucket".
> 
> Also i fucking hate fionn mac cumhaill.


End file.
